


she knows, she knows

by bogfable



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Ficlet, M/M, Panic Attacks, Secret Crush, cr2ep98, im sorry, post-resurrection, written pre-ep99
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23121682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bogfable/pseuds/bogfable
Summary: post fjord res - in which caduceus panics and it's all just, *a lot*big ol' tw for blood!i wrote this in one sitting in like. an anxious frenzy in the notes on my phone. so i hope it makes sense...(lame title ik) and this also. is the first CR fic im posting so :0edit: just realised it's 666 words oh boy.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 2
Kudos: 112





	she knows, she knows

They carry Fjord to an empty bed. Not the captain’s quarters, the energy in the room’s turned ugly and heavy. (They’ll scrub the blood off the floorboards in the morning.) 

They lay him down and one by one they begin to leave until it’s only Beau and caduceus, sitting on the edge of the bed, listening to Fjord snore quietly, tear tracks drying on their cheeks. 

Beau pulls her knees up to her chest, presses her forehead to them. she exhales shakily. inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale

Besides her Caduceus stares at his hands in his lap. the fur on his arms is matted with blood, Fjord’s blood. 

he’s shaking. he hasn’t stopped since the fight, since Fjord’s lifeless body was almost dragged into the sea.

caduceus knows how it feels to drown. he’s sort of still scared of the sea. but the thought of Fjord all the way at the bottom, alone, terrifies him even more.

his heart is still racing.

a thudding in his ears.

he closes his eyes and shakes and rocks back and forth and tries to catch his breath as he thanks the Wildmother over and over and over again. one hundred times over. until his chest hurts.

until hands grab his shoulders.

and he almost shouts.

“Cad.”

it’s only Beau.

“Cad. Cad, listen...breathe,” she whispers. 

it’s only then that Caduceus realises his hands are clasped so tight they hurt, that he was praying out loud. 

“hey...you there? Caduceus?”

Beau is standing in front of him. her brow is furrowed, the flickering candlelight catching her watery eyes. they’re so full of concern. 

“I- it’s so much-” It’s so hard to speak. “It's just... a lot...I’m okay.”

Beau shakes her head and slowly wraps her arms around his shoulders, where his wet hair clings. “That was the worst lie I’ve ever fucking heard,” she says, voice low, wavering. 

_It’s true._

_She knows, she knows._

Beau pulls away again, standing up and wiping at her teary eyes. 

“I’m... I think I’m gonna sleep in here tonight,” she whispers. “...If you want to as well.” 

Caduceus nods. Just once. His head hurts.

“I’m going to get blankets 'n' shit,” Beau adds. And by the time Caduceus looks up, she’s already out the room.

As he waits he looks at his hands, the stained pads on his palms, the blotches on his long fingers, the matts in his fur. There’s so much blood beneath his nails. 

He looks past his hands, to his nightgown and it’s worse. The bloodstain from when he lifted Fjord into his lap is dark, almost black. 

The smell of the bodies he’s buried creeps into his nose and stays there. Blood and rot and death.

He runs to the bathroom, passing Beau on the way. 

She yells after him but doesn’t follow. 

He swallows down bile as he tears off his nightgown, leaving it where it lands. In the dark he searches the room and finds a jug besides the wash basin, half full of frigid water.

He leans down, over the basin, pouring it over his forearms, scrubbing them one at a time, until the last of his adrenaline leaves him and he can barely stand any longer.

he’s pulling a robe from a hook behind the door (and thanking himself for leaving it there earlier) when Beau knocks on the door.

“Cad?” she whispers as she peers into the room. 

Caduceus can’t see her face in the dark but he can imagine it ( _She knows...She knows...)_ so he lets her guide him by the sleeve back to the room. He lets her guide him to bed while she lays on the floor. And he lets her hear him pray to the Wildmother one last time before he sleeps. 

As he prays he lays a hand on Fjord’s chest, just to feel his heart beat. And once he’s satisfied he lays his heavy head on the pillow next to Fjord and falls fast asleep.

_She knows._


End file.
